Special Kind of Failure

I am finally figuring out that I must be some special kind of failure. Seriously. Now I do not mean special as in 'special = good or better' but special as in I am particularly stupid for not just moving past it all. From my childhood to my adulthood, I am stupid for not being able to just put on my big girl panties and suck it up and move on with my life. But it wasn't just my daughter being hurt. It was everthing leading up to it and then after she was hurt, the accusation of using drugs which was totally unfounded and I was accused of that by child protection services right in front of my daughter; it was my sister telling me that she was going to have me committed. It has been every decision since then that has turned to shit right in front of my eyes. It is my daughter telling me, after I waited for a few weeks after she unfriended me on facebook:
     "Maybe there is a reason we aren't friends anymore. We aren't supposed to be friends. You're supposed to be my mom, but you are not. Instead you are a self centered, vindictive person. You are not what a mom should be. And I am tired of waiting for you to get your head out of your ass. I have wasted 20 years hoping you would show me REAL love, but I don't think you know what that is. So I'm done. By the way, I know why you sent that card in may; you were trying to hint that it was almost mothers day. YOU wanted the attention instead of showing your child the time of day. Oh, and P.S. Thanks for the happy fucking birthday."

So now I mix fresh blood with the old and new tears. A blending of what I am reduced to. Pain. That is all that I am. Every day. Every moment. Sometimes I am so fucking good at putting on my smiling face facade to the world. Other times I just can't hide it and I am made to feel guilty for having feelings other than gratefulness.

Ah fuck it. no one gives two shits. no one cares. no one should care. i should just put on my big girl panties, suck it up, and not be a stupid little shit anymore