That Didn't Take Long

Today isn't over yet, only spent about 15 minutes in the presence of my sister, it was enough. I got some cigarettes from a neighbor and left one out with a note for my sister when I went to the neighbors house to babysit. The note said "XXXXXXX gave me a few cigarettes so here is one to replace the one I took out of your pack this morning. Sorry!". I had every intention of sharing the few I did get, and was going to tell her that when I came back to the house around noon but I figured she and my niece would be okay with the few they had till then as they always get up way after me, usually just before noon. When I saw her I told her that I was sorry about taking a cig from her and told her I had hoped I would get one from the neighbor to replace it but I didn't have any this morning and was about to tell her about the extra cigs but she commented back "Well neither did we!" I immediately told her that when I took that one cigarette there were still a few in her pack, because I was thinking that something happened to them! Like I must have done something to them but couldn't remember! She comes back with "There were, but now they are gone! If I hadn't gone out and bought some we (meaning her and my niece) would have none! As it is we only have one pack to last us till Friday!" ***I do want to say that while I am not that smart, I am also not that stupid and yes, I got the message and was put in my place = if there were only three cigarettes left on the planet and my sister had them, she and my niece would each get their own and would split the last and I would get none*** Message received.

A few minutes later she says "XXXX XXXX is hiring right now for part time nights and weekends." In other words 'get a job' and I understand why she feels that way. She goes on to say she knows I don't like babysitting and that ever since I started baby sitting I have been bitchy and it is effecting the house. I gave her some excuses but the truth is that it is not the babysitting. It is me. I am just too raw right now, everything to close to the surface, on the brink of yet another breakdown and what I realized by her saying that is that even my 'everything is fine, I am fine' face is no longer working which I thought I still had more time. I didn't realize I was so close to the edge.

I will write more in a while. Right now I just need a break.

Reached My Limit

I was never sure what would happen on the day that I reached my limit, but now I know. A simple moment in the scheme of things. Something that has happened in the past and I knew would happen again, but this time it is different. I know I am a loser and not worthy of anything. I don't need to be reminded. The reminders are just salt in an already irritated wound but if that is what you need to do to feel better about yourself, go for it. I understand. I know I am the lowest form of human but if you need to push those barbs deeper because you like doing that, so be it.

I try to stay in the background. I try to make the things that I can better. I cook. I clean. I don't ask for things. I don't demand things. I don't get angry if I run out of something that I need. I try to be supportive of her thoughts and her ideas. All because I know if it wasn't for this family member I wouldn't have a roof over my head, food to eat, shampoo, toilet paper, tampons. . . you get the idea.

But today it happened and it was just the final thing. I made my niece and my sister pancakes for dinner (bacon as well for my niece, my sister doesn't eat bacon). Now I have made pancakes for my sister before and she has eaten them. I always put butter on them and she always adds extra butter. She has never complained before. When I told her there were pancakes for her she says 'I don't like pancakes. I don't.' Wow! News to me. She has never told me that before. I just said okay, because what can I say to that? So my niece being a smart alec says 'WHAT!?!?' Then turns to me and says 'we should kick her out!'. Oh shit! Trigger central for me because I know exactly where this is going and it always cuts me like a knife. Sure enough, my sister says 'yeah, I'll leave but I don't know where you guys will get the money to pay the bills, good luck with that'. And this is said in a way that lets me know she has apparently spent the entire day pissed. I guess I should have actually shut down my making grape jelly this morning when she made the comment about how she wanted to cook today, but obviously couldn't because I was using the kitchen early in the morning when she is normally not even awake yet.

* * * * * *

It has now been four hours since I first published this post and I went out to the living room to put on my 'happy and normal' face and pretend like everything is fine and I was never bothered. My sister is also back to acting like nothing ever happened except for that look in her eye and they way she said a few words. I went out there after looking up some information on getting a home loan for people in her credit condition through the state guarantee program that is available for those who qualify and it looks like she would. My small version of an olive branch. BTW: when I send out an 'olive branch' it always means 'please don't hurt me anymore, I hurt myself mentally and physically more than you ever could so I don't need your help'. I guess I now just have to wait to see what the week brings.

I Miss Them

I miss my Cini-Mini, but that goes without saying even after these twenty one months that she has been gone. I miss my friend Amy who passed away from diabetes complications just one month and one day before my Cini-Mini. I miss my Mariah. While I always tried to stay at the fringes of her life lest my mental illness effect her I can admit now that it was too late. As soon as I had my first breakdown I should have just sent her back to her dads and not had her have to live the crap my life became. No child deserves to have to ride the tides of mental illness with a parent or loved one. It effects them more having to see and experience it than it does any feelings of abandonment they may feel from being sent back to a stable parent. I am regretful that I was not able to be a 'real' person who could have gone to see my oldest daughter get married. Instead I hid in my house like every other day.

Everything is just very sharp and at the surface today.