I miss my Cini-Mini, but that goes without saying even after these twenty one months that she has been gone. I miss my friend Amy who passed away from diabetes complications just one month and one day before my Cini-Mini. I miss my Mariah. While I always tried to stay at the fringes of her life lest my mental illness effect her I can admit now that it was too late. As soon as I had my first breakdown I should have just sent her back to her dads and not had her have to live the crap my life became. No child deserves to have to ride the tides of mental illness with a parent or loved one. It effects them more having to see and experience it than it does any feelings of abandonment they may feel from being sent back to a stable parent. I am regretful that I was not able to be a 'real' person who could have gone to see my oldest daughter get married. Instead I hid in my house like every other day.
Everything is just very sharp and at the surface today.
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