Yesterday my sisters daughter left to go back to her dads for three weeks. So while it is nice that she is gone (yes I love her but I need the break) she will be coming back. During the time she had been here my sisters oldest son had also come out for four days and it was a great delight to see him after all these years. My problem with having had her daughter here and her son is that it makes me miss my daughter so much more.
I miss my daughter all the way to the core of my being but there is nothing I can do about it. When I reached out to her she saw it as me trying to manipulate her. I sent her a hand written letter (instead of just sending a message on facebook) because I wanted to send a bit of human connection. A bot can send a computer message. I wanted to actually feel pen to paper and put my words there knowing she would be able to see the loops and dotted i's and crossed t's. Instead she said that I was trying to remind her that mothers day was coming up and I expected something from her. That killed me. She called me self centered and vindictive. That killed me. I didn't keep a copy of the letter I sent her, I was just trying to make sure she understood that even though I don't keep in contact as much as I should because of my issues, I don't want her to ever forget that I do love her.
Why do I not keep in touch with her like 'a mother should'? Guilt. I feel buried in guilt about what happened. It IS all my fault and I should be punished. Fear. I love her so much and still what happened did while she was living with me. I have learned that I bring destruction and pain to the people around me without trying, no matter how much I try to keep it from happening. So if I keep just to the bare fringes then I have less chance of my love for her causing more pain. I would rather her be disappointed in me than me causing more pain to visit her. I know that my lack of communication hurts her, but she does have people in her life that won't let her get hurt the way I did. So she is better off without me.
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