Today isn't over yet, only spent about 15 minutes in the presence of my sister, it was enough. I got some cigarettes from a neighbor and left one out with a note for my sister when I went to the neighbors house to babysit. The note said "XXXXXXX gave me a few cigarettes so here is one to replace the one I took out of your pack this morning. Sorry!". I had every intention of sharing the few I did get, and was going to tell her that when I came back to the house around noon but I figured she and my niece would be okay with the few they had till then as they always get up way after me, usually just before noon. When I saw her I told her that I was sorry about taking a cig from her and told her I had hoped I would get one from the neighbor to replace it but I didn't have any this morning and was about to tell her about the extra cigs but she commented back "Well neither did we!" I immediately told her that when I took that one cigarette there were still a few in her pack, because I was thinking that something happened to them! Like I must have done something to them but couldn't remember! She comes back with "There were, but now they are gone! If I hadn't gone out and bought some we (meaning her and my niece) would have none! As it is we only have one pack to last us till Friday!" ***I do want to say that while I am not that smart, I am also not that stupid and yes, I got the message and was put in my place = if there were only three cigarettes left on the planet and my sister had them, she and my niece would each get their own and would split the last and I would get none*** Message received.
A few minutes later she says "XXXX XXXX is hiring right now for part time nights and weekends." In other words 'get a job' and I understand why she feels that way. She goes on to say she knows I don't like babysitting and that ever since I started baby sitting I have been bitchy and it is effecting the house. I gave her some excuses but the truth is that it is not the babysitting. It is me. I am just too raw right now, everything to close to the surface, on the brink of yet another breakdown and what I realized by her saying that is that even my 'everything is fine, I am fine' face is no longer working which I thought I still had more time. I didn't realize I was so close to the edge.
I will write more in a while. Right now I just need a break.
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