Reached My Limit

I was never sure what would happen on the day that I reached my limit, but now I know. A simple moment in the scheme of things. Something that has happened in the past and I knew would happen again, but this time it is different. I know I am a loser and not worthy of anything. I don't need to be reminded. The reminders are just salt in an already irritated wound but if that is what you need to do to feel better about yourself, go for it. I understand. I know I am the lowest form of human but if you need to push those barbs deeper because you like doing that, so be it.

I try to stay in the background. I try to make the things that I can better. I cook. I clean. I don't ask for things. I don't demand things. I don't get angry if I run out of something that I need. I try to be supportive of her thoughts and her ideas. All because I know if it wasn't for this family member I wouldn't have a roof over my head, food to eat, shampoo, toilet paper, tampons. . . you get the idea.

But today it happened and it was just the final thing. I made my niece and my sister pancakes for dinner (bacon as well for my niece, my sister doesn't eat bacon). Now I have made pancakes for my sister before and she has eaten them. I always put butter on them and she always adds extra butter. She has never complained before. When I told her there were pancakes for her she says 'I don't like pancakes. I don't.' Wow! News to me. She has never told me that before. I just said okay, because what can I say to that? So my niece being a smart alec says 'WHAT!?!?' Then turns to me and says 'we should kick her out!'. Oh shit! Trigger central for me because I know exactly where this is going and it always cuts me like a knife. Sure enough, my sister says 'yeah, I'll leave but I don't know where you guys will get the money to pay the bills, good luck with that'. And this is said in a way that lets me know she has apparently spent the entire day pissed. I guess I should have actually shut down my making grape jelly this morning when she made the comment about how she wanted to cook today, but obviously couldn't because I was using the kitchen early in the morning when she is normally not even awake yet.

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It has now been four hours since I first published this post and I went out to the living room to put on my 'happy and normal' face and pretend like everything is fine and I was never bothered. My sister is also back to acting like nothing ever happened except for that look in her eye and they way she said a few words. I went out there after looking up some information on getting a home loan for people in her credit condition through the state guarantee program that is available for those who qualify and it looks like she would. My small version of an olive branch. BTW: when I send out an 'olive branch' it always means 'please don't hurt me anymore, I hurt myself mentally and physically more than you ever could so I don't need your help'. I guess I now just have to wait to see what the week brings.