In The Beginning

Odd title to this post, I will grant you that, but there is a back story to the beginning of this blog.

Primarily I am starting this blog because for many things in my life I prefer anonymity. I don't want people to know who specifically I am, not just because I crave my privacy but also because there have been a few people in the past that have stalked my other blogs and websites. So many things I wish I could put out in the vastness of the internet (just to have them said, off my mind, a kind of personal log that is not on paper for others to find and KNOW it is me) and getting these things out is so essential to my state of mind right now.

Have you ever lived you life repeating the mantra of 'remember your place, remember your place' which means that you cannot share an opinion, you need to stay out of the way, you cannot ask for things like new toothpaste, soap or razors? Not a good place to be. Believe me.

I have severe anxiety disorder, panic disorder, ptsd, haphephobia, agoraphobia, suicidal ideation. . . yeah, my life is a fun filled place (sarcasm alert for that last bit). Did I mention the eating disorder? EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), Bulimia Nervosa. Add in a few other random things and this is my life and that is what I plan to put into this blog.

So what did I mean by 'In The Beginning'? In a small nutshell now (which will certainly expand as time goes on) I was abused as a child and it effected many parts of my life as an adult. When I became a mother it effected my decisions then as well. I was determined that my children would not know the pain I grew up with, the disfunction, so in an attempt to stop the cycle I inadvertently put them in situations where they encountered their own disfunction but told myself it was better than the disfunction they would probably suffer under my parenting. How wrong yet right I was. My youngest daughter came to live with me when she was 13 and ended up being sexually abused by her friends dad when she was 14. The blame I put on myself caused a mental breakdown I have not been able to recover from and it has been almost 5 years now. Mentally I am still stuck. Flashbacks to my daughter, flashbacks to my own childhood - never a good thing. The second after my daughter told me what happened I was all set to get her to the police station when my sister told me that I could call them and they would come to the house so that is what I did. Within seconds the phone call was made and it only took a few minutes for the police to show up and start taking the report. That was the end of me being the person I thought I was.

I cannot tell you how often I heard people telling me (even my own daughter) that I just needed to 'get over it' already. How I wish I could! But it doesn't work that way.

Since that day 5 years ago (the anniversary just recently passed) I have become a woman I do not recognize.

This is my journey, my daily life, my mental hell.