My sister left to go south to watch her daughter graduate high school tomorrow. I am proud of my niece but I wouldn't go even if it weren't three and a half hours away. Just no. Not leaving the house. The shitty thing is that my sister doesn't have a car because she wrecked it last year so she drives my car. I let her only because she doesn't need a car payment and because she pays for things for me like shampoo, toothpaste, tampons. The least I can do is let her use my car. The shit thing about it though is that my car needs work. It has an oil leak that needs to be fixed and it needs breaks because she is not a gentle breaker and goes through breaks. She had the money to put breaks on the car but just didn't do it. She didn't even need to pay for it to be done at a shop! If she bought the break pads the neighbor will put them on for free which is nice and break pads are not that expensive. But no. After all, that money could be better spent on things like her facial hair remover, fast food, candy. So she is going to be gone for two days and I don't have my car. Not that I plan on going anywhere, but it would be nice to have my car. And that is why I need to remember my place.
My wanting to have my car is greedy and stupid. It is putting myself above her and I should never do that. I need to just sit back, stay out of the way, take up as little space as possible, say as little as possible, anticipate her needs and remember my place. I am garbage that doesn't get thrown away. So I need to earn my keep. Cleaning, cooking and staying out of her way. Don't ask for things. Smile when that is what she expects. Try not to rock in my seat too much because that bothers her. I never ask her to pick up after herself. NEVER. I don't ask her to pick up after her dog messes on the floor, I just do it. I don't ask her to not leave her towels in the bathroom after her shower, I just put them in the wash. I don't ask her to put away her toiletry stuff in the bathroom, I just tidy it up for her. I do not ask her to clean the toilet, wipe down the sink, vacuum, run a load of towels, run a load of rugs, get her clothes out of the dryer. I just don't ask. It is not my place. If that means that I can't do my laundry then I wait.
My mantra:
Remember your place
remember your place
remember your place
and I will sometimes repeat that to myself over and over and over again while I have my earphones in listening to my music because above all, I am not and never will be worthy of anything and I need to remember my place.
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